She's perfect in that fucked up way...

30 November 2009 @ 09:05 pm

I've reached new levels of patheticness.

I will now be alone on my 21st birthday. Nevermind that before the only thing I was doing was spending time with Jeremy at some bar/restaurant.

Now I'm actually going to be alone that night.

Awesome.

look here.

19 November 2009 @ 11:33 pm

Ok, so this might seem kinda strange, and go with me on this, but I've been reading a Fat Acceptance website. No, I don't necessarily think I'm fat. I just kinda stumbled across it on the internet. I've been reading it for hours on end for just under a week now.

Really, I kinda prefer the term Body Acceptance as opposed to Fat Acceptance. But I guess the theory is that most thin bodies are already accepted.

Anywho, it's one of the most fascinating websites I've ever read. The authors are amazing and there is so much interesting information on it from the news and media and health studies. In fact one of the reasons I spend so much time reading it is because each post seems to have three or four links in it that I have to read. It takes me twenty minutes to read a post.

So I've been reading it so much that I thought I would mention it here because I really like it. It's also a feminist website too so it gets double points with me.

But the real reason I am mentioning it is because they posted a video which is absolutely hilarious and my two readers should totally watch it. Now I'd link the post for you but we all know I'm retarded with technology so you'll just have to copy and paste.

~~http://kateharding.net/2007/09/26/pants-meet-fire-extinguisher/~~

*Edit*.
I lied, this is the link:

http://kateharding.net/2008/03/31/best-thing-ever/

look here.

04 November 2009 @ 09:14 pm

unconditional love.

It's not that I don't believe in unconditional love, I just think it's much harder to obtain than people think.

I don't expect unconditional love. Not from my parents or friends. Definitely not from Jeremy(no offense baby, I'm not trying to mess with you I'm just being rational).

One of the "conditions" I've always felt was my appearance. With my parents, men, myself. We live in a vain, diet obsessed, world.

I know people will love me no matter what my size. But I know that there are people that care about my size and not just in a "I'm worried about your health" type way.

But there is one person in my life that I feel will love me no matter what size I am. Will not care if I gain weight. Will not think less of me. Doesn't give a crap if I do lose weight or always look this way.

And because I have so many issues about my appearance and feel that it affects the rest of my life and self worth, that acceptance spills over into other aspects of my life. And when I'm upset or self doubting or what have you, I think of that. And it helps.

I know. I'm silly. And I'm sure she has no idea.

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01 November 2009 @ 04:32 pm

Well, it's the start of the New Year. According to pagans anyways.

Right now my car is messed up. We think it's the O2 sensor but we're not sure because the O2 sensor is stuck. So I'm stuck in the house right now, hopefully the car will be fixed before we go to Texas for a week at Thanksgiving.

After we get back from Thanksgiving we'll be moving to our new apartment on the 1st of December. It's smaller. Right now we have a two full bedroom two full bath for 1100 square feet. We'll be moving into a 1 bedroom 1 full bath with 708 square feet. If I can get Jeremy to part with a lot of his crap I feel it won't be too bad. It seemed pretty sunny. Sadly there is no washer/dryer hook up. Sigh. It's over 300 dollars cheaper than we're paying now though so hopefully it's worth it.

Then December 3rd is my 21st birthday! I am super excited. Which is funny because I don't even like to drink. I just happen to hate restrictions. Sadly I am not that lithe size 2 I would love to be, but I still have lots of time til the wedding to obsess over my appearance.

Then December 7th will feature me making a twelve hour drive to Virginia to see OTR with Brinny and Mr. Wade!

So, really, I just have to get through November. And try not to go crazy.

2 comments | look here.

22 October 2009 @ 11:04 pm

The thing that gets me the most with the loneliness is when I'm here it's like I don't exist. Like I don't matter. The only person here who cares is Jeremy. No job, no friends, no school. I don't even know how to find people.

I have everyone back home but no one other than Jeremy would blink an eye if I wasn't here. I feel like I only exist when he's around sometimes.

Drinking and smoking has it's appeal. But, for the most part, that's just not me anymore. It sucks to be alone on the weekend doing nothing with no one caring but I feel like there's so much more to life than getting drunk.

Ugh.

I want to party.
I want to grow up.
I want to go to school.
I want to be a mom.
I want to eat healthy.
I want to eat whatever I want.
I want to be irresponsible.
I want to be spiritual.
I want friends.
...but they have to be the right type.

I miss all of us being back home, sixteen, at Nana's, eating ice cream, or sleeping, watching TV. Being us.

2 comments | look here.

10 October 2009 @ 09:52 pm

clean? No, I'd rather blog.

There is so much sadness.

Sometimes there is just so much sadness with the people I love. With my parents(although one more than the other)and my friends. Us being alone and isolated.

And my own occasional sadness of course.

I feel it all.

It's easy to just get angry.

And it's even easier to just eat. And run.

I think running is my new drug. But I guess there are worse ones to have.

On the bright side at least there might be pancakes tomorrow. That's food obsession for ya.

Sometimes I get tired of looking on the bright side though.

look here.

03 October 2009 @ 06:57 pm

I'm so lonely. I think the reason I stuff my face every time I come home from a morning class is because I'm sad that I'm alone. I go and talk to people and then I guess my feelings get hurt when we all have to leave and I'm stuck going home doing nothing the rest of the day.

But I just don't really know how to fix it.

...I think I'm PMSing.

1 comment | look here.

27 August 2009 @ 04:54 pm

One year later.

Gained: three jobs. clean car. Wonderful fiancee. Sense of health. Lots of exercise DVDs.

Lost: 3 jobs. 2 dress sizes. 3 ferrets.

Kept: friends and family.

I hope the next year is better. Another two dress sizes would be nice. A steady job. Something to occupy my time.

look here.

05 August 2009 @ 12:13 pm

It helps,
putting my hands on a pot, on a broom,
in a wash pail.

I
tried painting,
but it was easier to fly slicing
potatoes.

- "Slicing Potatoes", Rabia

1 comment | look here.

15 July 2009 @ 07:55 am

I'm engaged! As of July 13th.

I'm also considering deleting this journal.

3 comments | look here.

09 July 2009 @ 12:22 pm

Love is so complicated.

And so is life.

But overall, I'd rather be happy.

look here.

08 July 2009 @ 01:08 pm

but I love you now...

So, it’s been a long year...
Every new day brings one more tear
till there’s nothing left to cry...

My, my how time flies
like little children hiding their eyes.
We’ll make it disappear...
Let’s start a brand new year.

Darlin’ Christmas is coming.
Salvation army bells are ringing.
Darlin’ Christmas is coming.
Do you believe in angels singing?
Darlin’ the snow is falling...
falling like forgiveness from the sky.

If I could have anything
what would I want this new year to bring?
Well, I’d want you here with me.

Tear these thorns from my heart,
help the healing to start.
Let’s set this old world free.
Let’s start with you and me!

-Over the Rhine, "Darling, Christmas is Coming".

look here.

07 May 2009 @ 01:37 pm

It turns out I'm a big believer in fate. Or the fact that when I want something the universe will allow opportunities for me to take advantage of.

And I believe everything will work out in the end. I'm a pretty positive person and I have a lot of faith in life.

So I'm hoping the fact that a vision therapy clinic is exactly 22 miles down the road that I live on(thank god, y'all know I am terrible with directions and getting lost)is a sign that it is something I will have. And the fact that it is roughly 2 to 3 thousand dollars? Well, hopefully we can afford it.

Jeremy and I are becoming more fit and active. Him more so than me, lol. I've never been one for sports and activities. But he decided to buy a basket ball and some tennis stuff the other day. I guess I had blocked out how debilitating not having depth perception can be. It's fine when I'm driving or living an everyday life but if I ever want to be active or sporty-ish then depth perception and binocular vision is something that I need. Not to mention the fact that it would probably get rid of my headaches and make me feel less tired. When my eyes are strained all I want to do is sleep and it seems like they have been more and more tired lately. I blame Reuben for asking if I was cross-eyed. Since then I have been awfully paranoid. Jackass.

It used to be enough for them to just look straight. But not having depth perception has held me back so much in life from having fun and being active. I don't want to tear up and get pissed off every time I can't hit or catch an object.

Also, I'm really tired of stubbing my toes all the time. I did it twice yesterday. I feel like normal people don't do it that often. I swear I do it once a day at least and my feet are way too cute to put up with that.

So here's to hoping that depth perception is in the cards for me. I don't feel like I'm asking for too much. I don't want to go to the Olympics or be awesome at sports I simply want to be normal.

Oh, and in case you're curious the job is still going well.

2 comments | look here.

29 April 2009 @ 12:14 pm

picking up the pieces.

So for the first time in what seems like years I am much more happy than depressed or sad.

I quit my job at Waffle House on Monday night because my manager decided to be an ass and take me off the schedule for two weeks almost. So I quit. And the very next day I got hired at Gold's Gym as a front desk associate. The shortest I've ever been unemployed lol. The location will be opening up here in a month or two and I am very excited about it. I'm so proud of myself for getting the job because I wasn't even going to try at first because I thought I wasn't qualified for it. But Jeremy told me I should and I decided not to let my fear get in the way. The worst thing that could happen is not getting hired. A year ago I would have never tried because I would have been too afraid of rejection and I wouldn't have believe in myself. But I'm starting to realize that I seem to get what I want when I put forth the effort and really believe in myself.

I've noticed over the past six months how much I let fear hold me back. From just being a normal person and doing things that need to get done. I'm doing my best to fix that and, though I know I still have my issues, I feel like I'm finally getting closer to the person I want to be.

Another reason why I am happy is because I am eating right and losing weight. Yes my post anorexic self is very happy. My BMI is actually at "normal" as of today and I weigh the least I have weighed since I was fourteen *cough, 125, cough*. Yet I don't feel obsessive about what I eat or deprived. I'm so proud of myself because for once I feel like a normal person who won't let food or depression rule her life.

And I think a big reason why my depression and skin is so much better is because my diet is so much better. I don't eat fast food anymore and I hardly ever eat anything that is really unnatural or bad for me. I don't drink soda anymore(I know, you're shocked). And even though I've always known what healthy eating was and what the benefits were I never seemed able to do it since I was anorexic. But now I am so passionate about having a healthy lifestyle that it seems easy and natural and I hope I always remember how good I feel and how happy I am while doing this.

Anyways, I'm pretty sure I am starting to sound obsessive now, lol. I just wanted to post something happy for once, te he.

In letting go I am so proud of what I've done.

3 comments | look here.

02 April 2009 @ 12:03 am

I feel so fat. Grr.

look here.

14 March 2009 @ 11:03 pm

I feel I made the right decision.

But dear god do I miss being fifteen, before Drum Circle and Casa's and Jeremy, when it was just us. Not broken up into two to three times a year pieces. I was doing ok before but now I'm just sad.

On another note let me go over the proper tipping procedures for the few people that read this. Because I can't rant to my job so I can at least rant here. First off ten percent or even fifteen percent is not a decent tip. Twenty percent is a good tip. Fifteen is average meaning the server didn't do anything good but you didn't particularly like him/her either. Ten percent is an insult and anything below ten percent just makes you seem like an ignorant or indecent human being.

Stiffing is never ok. And the reason stiffing isn't ok is because I actually pay taxes on the food you eat. The government taxes me on a certain percent of my sales. So if you stiff me then I not only don't make money but I lose money. I don't cause you to lose money at your job so don't do it to mine.

Furthermore it is nice to tip extra if you leave a huge mess, are super demanding, or having annoying/disgusting kids.

The more you know.

Oh, and servers only make 2.13 an hour. My last pay check for two weeks was literally 25 dollars.

6 comments | look here.

07 March 2009 @ 10:16 am

Really. Lately I find myself being much more happy than anything else.

It's quite refreshing.

1 comment | look here.

11 February 2009 @ 06:18 pm

Dear My World,

I know you're not much. I know you are just beginning. I know you mostly consist of the animals, the friends I have in other states, the one friend I have here, the few social outings I have, and the ever constant cleaning. I know I can't sustain you myself or occupy you with a job. And I know most of you belongs to Jeremy and you are neglected and pathetic at best.

But please don't fall apart now. It took me a while to get used to you, to get you together. And I know that there are still gaping wholes that need to be fixed and filled and that I wasn't too happy at first. But I've grown used to you and, admittedly, I kinda like this fixer-upper project you have layed before me.

So don't fall apart. Don't crumble and don't break my heart. And I know that that is mostly not in your or my control. But with what authority you do have could you please try to be nice to me? Because together we can beat this and overcome anything. I know I don't always have the most faith in you or myself but I am young and learning and don't give up now.

And so I will end this on this:

“Just for today, I will be grateful. Just for today, I will not anger. Just for today I will not worry. Just for today, I will do my work honestly. Just for today, I will respect life.'''

Respectfully yours,
Me.

1 comment | look here.

08 February 2009 @ 11:31 pm

Sometimes its hard to be sympathetic. Not because I don't feel or empathize. No, I have emotion in abundance. Mostly it is just because I don't know how to reach out. It's easy for us to sweep things under the rug, put on a brave face, and act like nothing is wrong. Offering or receiving comfort kinda confirms what you would rather not...feel. Or be in. You know. And I don't really like the idea of being rebuffed when I'm trying to be nice either. So, you know, there is that too.

The point is that, believe it or not, I am not completely oblivious to someone's pain. And I don't mean to be an ass or anything. And I know you aren't supposed to have to when you are hurting and that the roles might be reversed but I guess I need people to ask or admit they are in pain(even if I know they are)for me to try to help. Or comfort.

And, honestly, these feelings are really just due to Helena and Brittany. And though I love them more than I would have thought possible, sometimes I think our relationship is ever so slightly unhealthy. I mean, not completely. For the most part it is healthy. But there are so many secrets. So many brave faces. So many things that we don't tell each other out of pain or fear or strength or maybe even habit at this point. I know when I am really upset about something that I can tell the girls anything. But most of the time I probably wouldn't. It seems kinda stupid.

...but I'm not gonna give in first and let them win. Duh.

In other news I have a friend here. She's ok. But I notice that it isn't as easy to be around her as it is with Brittany and Helena and McClure. With them it feels effortless. Always stimulating(or really stupid)and continuously hilarious. Nothing against Sharon or anything. I just know I found something special with the girls. I hope we'll all be able to be together again in the future. Maybe on the outskirts of a nice National Park.

09 November 2008 @ 12:06 am

His girl took a weeks worth of valium and slept.

For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins we were merely freshmen.

Honestly, that last line reminds me that God will not punish me for the sins I have committed in youth, ignorance, or simple humanity.

look here.